I thought this would not happen anymore after a certain age, when adolescence and early youth are over with --and middle age and maturity would bring more certainty to life issues. More of a black and white state of mind. More of "I like this" and "I dont like this" attitude. Of round and rotund phrases and thoughts. But it is not so.
The world's general malaise has finally hit my everyday existence. And even though I am still one of the lucky ones --looking at the 'big picture', I realize that everything for the United States and many other countries has become such a daily uphill battle. A huge uphill battle! It is so difficult to survive this massive earthquake that has hit the world! Things seem to drag, to slide back and jump forward --just to slide back again. Very little consistency. And at times nit much hope.
For example, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico -and that underwater view that CNN has on screen 24/7, of the uncapped tube, bleeding gurgling uninterrupted oil into the our pristine Nature- bothers me tremendously. It actually creates enormous anxiety! And I feel so impotent looking at what seems a stronger/than/all & ever/powerful enemy, that absolutely nothing can stop. We can send men to space, we can invent computers ---but nobody can close a hole spewing oil! This seems so surreal! And it creates a very 'down' feeling in many of us.
Thus, my mixed feelings are: I cannot hate oil companies because they provide jobs and are part of a system I believe in ---and at the same time I detest that this oil well disaster is destroying marine life and economically wiping out thousands of fisherman and small business related to the gulf. And at times it all seems to be on a stand-still. No resolutions.
But I do have confronted mixed feelings about it. And about what seems to be everything!
About President Obama and his standofish and way-too-cold attitude in almost everything. I am beginning to feel very dissapointed. About Cuba and its hellish existence under those criminals. And about relaxing or not the policies on Cuba. What do I really think?.. About the Catholic religion. About life in New York. About fearing aging or not fearing aging. About the unemployed. Especially the middle aged and older unemployed professionals that cannot find jobs. How can they face their families and their children who expect securiry from them? I have mixed feelings about foods I used to like and now I dislike. About my new love to stay home versus my old love for going out. About my new tendency to watch Netflix Instant Watch versus going to the movies and seeing a film on a wide screen. And even about E/books versus hard cover books!
Yes, my life seems to be sliding back and forth in a shaky puddle of Jell-O....Everything in a state of organized chaos....And I thought I had achieved serenity --and was set in my ways!